The people for me are the mad onesSaturday, August 5, 20062:25AM - i don't knowit's been a while since i've written here but i just don't know how else to let go of this. i always figured that things got tough but that i'd always be able to handle it. i always thought that i knew how things would end up or at least had a plan that would deviate but not to this point. now i just don't know anymore. i think i've lost myself. i feel so helpless and all i really want is to have someone here with me to just hold my hand but i can't ask that i just can't. i'm just loast. i feel so needy and lonelyi just feel small. i just don't know what else to do. i really just don't know. i can't wait for school to start mainly so that it will end then i just want to leave this place just brings too many bad things. i never thought i would do the things i've done. i don't know where i lost that strong, and independent person. i really don't know. Saturday, June 24, 20061:21AM - againso now it's someone new and i don't know what to do again. i know that this time i refuse to settle. i know that this time i want more and if that's not what's gonna happen then i'm going to move on until i get that. i don't know i just dont get it. i guess i really want to be in love again. i want to feel that love that makes your heart hurt the love that breaks you in half and leaves you senseless. i want to cry over you again. i miss him. i still think of him i've moved on somewhat met someone else but he's still on my mind. i miss him i miss the pain that it brought and i didn't realize how much i really did miss him. he's leaving soon going back home and he'll find someone else. i guess what really breaks me is knowin that he doesn't miss me as much as i miss him. either that or he's moved on faster then i have. i just fill my days with work because if i didn't then i don't think i'd be able to think because like now i'd have to pause and think. remebering the nights and days the stolen moments that we use to share. Tuesday, February 14, 20068:13PMi think my world is starting to spin out of control and i can't seem to touch base with it. i guess i'm just hoping now that moving out and maybe starting over will give me a chance to start fresh because i'll maybe have more time to reflect and do nothing but who really knows. so the really bad part is that i can't help missing him and wishing that it was me he would hold at night when he slept but he's leaving and that is really what i wait for so that i can learn to get over him because i don't have the strength to say no to him. grr on me always falling for the men that are unavailable and the ones that are i tend to push away go fucking figure. ok that's it no more. Current music: you and me Sunday, January 29, 20066:27PM - i have no idea what i'm doinalright so i'm in a ball i don't know what's left i need to figure myself out but i think that takes time. so i'm suppose to go up and vist alex this weekend and i want to i really do but i dont know at least i know that he realizes that this is only a friendship because i'm being very obvious about not being ready to have any kind of real relationship with anybody right at this point but then there's brock which is then another story all together. the guy apparently kinda has a thing for me but i'm not completely positive and i kinda have a thing for him as well but since i'm not sure i dont know what i'm gonna do. he's really nice and sweet and all that that is needed except he can get kinda loud sometimes. i don't know shit i think i just really really miss matt and i really really wish he wasnt dating whatsher name and i wish he still worked with us but eh what can i do i know that its better this way other wise i would end up doing what my dad did and i really dont want that to happen but i still miss him and it sucks. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck this shit i dont know anymore. Monday, January 23, 20067:10PM - a new day has begunok so that might be one of the cheesiest (that so might have been spelled wrong) titles ever but whateve. Current mood:  contemplativeCurrent music: "Hopeless" by Train Wednesday, January 18, 200611:32PM - i'm an idiotok so again i have proven myself to be an idiot and got involved with someone that i knew from the beginning was not the person to get involved with but...as always i went ahead and did it. the dumbest part however is not just that i slept with him but that i then began to have feelings for this person...i mean really out of all the times i sleep around with other guys why the fuck do i chose to get emotionally involved with all the wrong ones damn it!!!! every single freaking time it does not end. well all i can do now is be happy and say that he's left so he is now being forced out of my life and since i won't have to see him everyday then i have a greater chance at getting over him. but i do still feel really bad for everything that's happened to him its got to suck. ok no no no no i am not going to do this... Tuesday, December 20, 20051:53AM - thinkingMoon River, wider than a mile, Current mood: contemplativeCurrent music: Moon River Monday, November 21, 20052:20PM - eeekok so my fludgeling car is still in the shop and its driving me nuts cause i need it so badly but the guy says it will be today. In anycase i know i'll have it back by the end of the day tomorrow and thank god ...i need to go home. i don't think i could make it if i didn't have my car and i had to stay. i really want to go home and spend time with my family. i miss DC even though i know it going to be all rainy i don't car i want home. i want to be in my own space i miss it i guess i just miss that. oh well soon i suppose soon. ok that's it no more ranting. i need to learn to start having some sort of code. Wednesday, November 16, 2005Tuesday, November 8, 20059:48PM - sometimes your heart just breaks into a million piecesi understand what my friend feels i know how much it hurts to love someone so much that you can't think of anything else and you can only be happy when you speak to him. i wish i had her strength though to try and fight. she has that amazing strength to fight what people might think and it makes me feel so pathetic that i wasn't able to do that. i turned my back on someone that i really cared about but i know that it was the right thing for me. i know that because with him i had no desire to do better, to move on with my life, to try and make something of myself instead when i left him i chose to bury myself in work so that i wouldn't have to think about the pain that stabbed at my heart. all i want right now is to find someone that everyone could agree about, at least the people who's opinon i care about the most my mother and sister and stac and sue who have probably become my closest friends here. god i want a cig so bad but i've got to stick to this i do. i can't wait to go home to spend a few days back home i can't wait. all i want to do is walk down the streets of DC mindlessly feeling the fall breeze and seeing the leaves fall i bet its pretty right now. i can't wait. Tuesday, November 1, 20059:50AM - it's been awhilehmm lets see i've turned 21 already that was on Oct. 14; i have to say though it was one great birthday. I lve my buddies and i'm glad that i decided to stay in lovely NC...well sorta. Basically I've become an alcoholic since i turned 21 all i do now is drink every single weekend be it with stacey or brit or sue and then the parties, those i pass out in though. Well mtwolf added me to facebook so i guess that is news i'm still sort of confused as to what besos at the end of a note means but hey ya know its all good. I have to admit though i do miss him a lot even and i get mad at myself everytime i realize that i pushed that boy away miserably. Maybe things will be different now that he comes back but even then i don't know. i want him back though but everything keeps telling me that there's no point that i lost him already and i'd be fighting a losing battle, i suppose i can try. Ok well aside from that i did meet a guy the last time i partied his name is Tony and he's nice but he's not him. They are the only two guys that are now left in my life. Jeremy is gone now he gave my mom back the book i gave him which i'm glad to have back because it was my favorite book but also slightly ofended because i did give it to him and i didn't want him to give it back to me. Well its for the best i know. I know that, that relationship wasn't gonna go anywhere; we're just two different people in different parts of our lives. I do miss what i had with him though because he might not realze it but he meant a great deal to me a really great deal. Oh well i suppose i will eventually find that person because i know there has to be someone out there for everyone. Current mood:  blahTuesday, October 4, 20051:05PM - boredso i'm bored in damn WST ugh i now wonder why in the world i decided to be a wst major????? go figure. So carter has been calling me recently and i don't think i know how to tell him no. I still care about him but its begun to be a little to hard to fight my mother just so i can be with him. besides as i think about i know that we really don't have a lot in common at least not enough to try and make this work. and i am here and not there and i really do not plan on going back this summer cause i am attempting to find a place here and to work here and to finally start my life gather enough money and move out of this damn city that i really don't care for. i long for the day when i'll be able to live on my own and being independent completely but that day seems far away. damn it i neeeeeeeeed a freaking job. where the fuck would i work? hmm well i suppose i should go to the mall sometime this break and start applying so that i can freaking find one and start working especially now that i have a place to live during the winter months. oh my the crazy ways of life. so i have to look for a job and then i should be alright. ok all for now. Thursday, September 29, 20053:04PM
Tuesday, September 27, 20052:45PM - i miss himi think i miss mtwolf and i know that i'm a dork for missing him. so i
read cosmo the other day and it mentioned the different types of phone
callers guys are and what nots so anyway it i suppose diagnoised mtwolf
and his calling type. well i guess it gave me renewed hope cause he's
the type of guy that calls late at night which tended to annoy me
simply because i felt like i was being used, but according to the type
it means that he's just shy and that's why he calls at that time of the
day. so now i feel a little better about myself cause hell why do guys
have to be so complicated that we need to have guides, honestly. i wish
he would be the type of guy that just lets me know how he feels instead
of acting one way and then right when i think i've got a hold on myself
and i'm done he'll do something like tell me that all i need to do is
trust him and of course i ruin it by saying that, that's something
that's just hard to do. so i still miss him though, its strange. i wish
i knew if he might miss me too.so now i'm wondering...why do i miss
someone that i can't trust? hmm maybe psych will help me figure it out
at some point. oh well. Wednesday, September 14, 20051:55AM - this is the begining of a long thingbeing told to deal with the things that have come to past and to see my future...that's hard Current mood: 23Current music: Jimmy Eat World Saturday, September 3, 20059:54PM - Sex and the CitySo, I've been watching Sex and the City again and as always this is my form of therapy. I think I am trying terribly hard to get into the fashionista I was during the summer I do miss wearing those wonderful Charlotte Russe pumps and My Steve Madden's it was so much fun. Oh and the clothes god I miss the clothes so much. Sometimes I think I should be in a different profession in one where I can totally abosorb myself in the fashion world. Oh i do love it. Man oh man this is being a very long weekend. I think it is now time to continue watching some Sex and the City. Current mood:  contentWednesday, August 17, 20058:03PM - missing youso today started off the first day of classes and as per usual my punk butt was late even when i left 30 min. early, go figure. although today i got to talk to him and it was a great day. we've made some plans for me to go up and vist and actually be able to spend the night with him. i am so excited. i miss him something terrible and its crazy because i know that sooner then later i'm gonna have to get over him...at least i think. i suppose i'll see how all of this ends up playing out. so talked to the other one tonight he wants to do something i think. i don't know how i feel about that. i don't think i want to see him. ugh i need to get my mind on something else. time for some harry Current mood:  annoyedTuesday, August 16, 20054:20PM - homei hate being here. i want to go home so bad. if he had his own place i think i would drop out of school and just move in with him. i miss him so much it hurts. it hurts if i stand still to long because then i have to think about him not being here. it hurts because i realize that i won't be seeing him for awhile and i don't know what to do. i hate the yellow walls that don't reflect who i am. i hate the boxes that are stacking up because they remind of where i am. god i miss him. i hate that everyone seems to disapprove of me being with him. i hate that going home doesn't mean that i actually get to see him. i hate that she hates him because that stops me the most from being able to freely be with him. i hate that he doesn't deserve to be so ostricized because of what he does and how he lives. i hate that i willingly persued him even though i knew very well that i'd end up breaking my own heart. i miss him so much and it hurts that i have no one that i can talk to. it hurts more because the one person i thought i could count on is the one person who i keep on fighting with. i hate that i know i pushing everyone away. i hate it even more because i've expierenced it first hand and i know that its something i need to stop. i just can't seem to be able to do it. i can't seem to get over this lump that's lodged in my throat. the only time i'm happy is when i get to hear him talk even if it is for only an hour. i miss him so much. Current mood:  sadCurrent music: Landing in London Tuesday, July 26, 20056:40PM - parting is such sweet sorrowgod i am dreading the day that i have to leave home but god at the same time i'm so happy to be leaving. i can't take my mother anymore. i don't understand why she doesn't have enough faith in me to respect my decisions. i can't understand why she would doubt me. anyway enough with that... Current mood: contemplativeMonday, July 25, 20052:01PM - happyso he's back now from Vegas and god i missed him so much it's nice to know that he missed me too. its quite a change to find someone who actually lets you know what he feels even though i tend to change it all around and see the down side of it all but that's just me and i am learning right now to open up. i hate that he doesn't think that there might be a future together because my butt is going to be leaving for school but we could try. right? i think so. i at least know that there's something here that is definitly worth fighting for. i think i've come to realize that i definitly need to not fall for these damn musicans all i'm gonna do is get myself in a mess. well now i gotta run cause i gots to work :( Current mood: contentCurrent music: you and me LIFEHOUSE Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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